You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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