Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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