Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Randomize
