Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
