I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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