did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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