i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
