Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Randomize
