Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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