John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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