I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
