My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
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