so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize