I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
