Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
