Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
