I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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