I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Randomize
