Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
