who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
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