Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
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Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
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the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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