so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
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I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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