Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
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