Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
