I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
My vagina just recognized that song.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
