The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize