Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Do you think red sox nation has an official powerpoint template/memo format for resignations of manny support, bandwagon applications, and other official business?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
