i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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