I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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