I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
