Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
