I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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