Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
