ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
