paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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