i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
