I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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