As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize
