Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
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