Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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