I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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