R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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