2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
