cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
