Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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