I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
You're like the curious george of whores
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
