please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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