***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
