she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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