So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
