you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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