Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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