just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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