Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
whose ass print is on the piano?
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
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