my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
